Writing Sample: A Dragon's Guide for First-Time Owners

This is a piece I wrote over a decade ago. I rediscovered it recently and it made me chuckle. Is it my best work? Probably not. Do I think it's a good starting point for more stories in this vein? Absolutely. In any case, I hope you enjoy it!

A Dragon’s Guide for First-time Owners

In order to get a dragon as a pet, you need a couple of things first. You need to have the space for a dragon. A run-of-the-mill, ordinary, suburban house doesn’t usually cut it. It may work for a baby dragon, because they are much smaller, but as they grow, you’ll need more space. A farmhouse’s acreage sounds like a good idea at first, but the wooden material of both the previous options does not make it easy for a fire-breathing creature to live there without causing complete and utter destruction. Therefore, a stone house is the best option for someone looking to obtain a dragon. It cannot be simply a small house made of stone because the dragon will grow to be massive. Therefore, the best bet for a first time dragon owner is a castle¹. Simply buying a castle is not enough, however. Once you have the castle, you should spend some time getting to know your castle. Many castles have secret passageways and hidden rooms. You don’t want your dragon to get into one of these secret places that you didn’t know about. Only once you’ve figured out the layout of your castle, you are finally ready to house your dragon.

One last thing to keep in mind before getting a dragon is their desire for bright jewels and treasures. It is a well-known fact that dragons love hoarding treasure, no matter whose it is. It is also well-known that cursed treasure has no effect on dragons, seeing as they are generally immune to curses. For this reason, any treasure hoards should be kept far out of reach of the dragons, preferably in a place where they will never be taken. If the dragon happens to see their master near a treasure hoard, their love of gold will take over their instincts and their master will be as good as dead. One smart way to avoid this situation is to keep your money and gold in a bank and use only credit cards and paper money. Dispose of any and all small change before being seen by the dragon. Being metal, the coins will trigger the same effects as a gold hoard.

Before you worry about getting a dragon, though, you should worry about getting the appropriate gear. Dragons are tricky creatures to train. They are incredibly brilliant–some can even talk–and have big attitudes. For this reason, you should have a fireproof suit, preferably made by trained wizards. Their spells are stronger and more effective than small-name, backwater spell casters. Food is another problem for dragons. They need a lot of meat in order to survive. One of the easiest things to do is to set up a contract with a local butcher or rancher for all the meat necessary to feed your dragon. The younger the dragon is, it'll need less food, of course. As it grows, you'll need to increase its meal size until it can be trained to hunt on its own. Once that happens, feeding it will be less of a hassle. You also have to make sure you have an appropriate chain. It also must be protected against fire and, preferably, magically reinforced for strength. Eventually this will become unnecessary, but young dragons like to run away. In order to keep the dragon as a pet, you must make sure you can keep it at home. Once you have all of this equipment, it's time to actually look at getting a dragon.

There are a number of ways of getting a dragon. Stories abound of people finding a dragon's egg in the wild. Though this method allows you to train the dragon from birth, the odds of just coming across a dragon egg as you're taking a stroll through the forest are tiny². Also, this doesn't let you really choose the temperament of your dragon. You just end up being stuck with whatever you get.

Another option that the stories suggest is that a dragon simply "follows you home." This method usually happens when there is a large war against dragons going on and the parents of a baby dragon are killed in the war. Again, though useful for having a very young dragon, wars against dragons don't happen all that often. Even when they do, it's very dangerous to get involved in that, especially to get a pet. This method would allow you to choose the temperament for your dragon, but, again, it's really dangerous to get involved in a dragon war.

The third and easiest option is not usually talked about in most of the stories. If you want to be able to choose your dragon's temperament and age, you should go to the dragon pound. The dragon pound is where people who can't raise baby dragons or eggs they find take them. They usually try to take care of the dragons until they are self-sufficient and then release them. At the dragon pound you can find dragons of all ages. Occasionally you can even find an egg to raise if you like that sort of thing.

One thing to keep in mind about going to the dragon pound is security. You can't just show up in shorts and a T-shirt. You should probably wear your fire-proof suit. The dragons in the pound are not usually trained and many of them may consider humans to be enemies. That's why many people get blasted with fire through the bars of the cages as soon as they walk in. The workers at the drag- on pound know this and have the best fire-proof equipment on hand.

Once you are at the pound, you are free to choose your dragon. Look carefully at all the options. The younger the dragon is, the easier it will be to train it. For this reason, it is recommended to go to the "Recently Hatched" or "Egg" sections of the dragon pound to find the right choice for you. Of course, if you want a wilder dragon as a guard rather than as a house-pet, a slightly older dragon might suit you well.

Keep in mind that most dragons have a hot temperament and are on the wilder side of pets. If you were hoping to have a pet that would curl up on the ground with you on a cold evening, you'll have to find an extremely quiet and calm dragon. The best calm breeds are the Alpine Flyer and the Canadian Ridgeback. If you want one to ride and enjoy a day out and about, a dragon with a moderate temperament will do nicely. The best breeds for this kind of activity are the Icelandic Wyrm and the English Stalker. Whatever you do, do not choose a dragon with a very strong temperament, such as the Australian Hunter, as a pet. They do not do well with people and will never actually accept you as a master, preferring to burn you to a crisp at the first opportunity.

For those people working on a tighter budget, a pure-blood dragon may be too expensive. The "Mutt Dragons" section of the dragon pound contains a number of mixed blood dragons that are usually much cheaper than pure-blooded dragons. The reason for the price difference is simple: you have no idea what you're getting. That being said, if you are one of these people, it is wise to observe the dragon you would like to purchase for a number of days before finalizing the purchase.

When you have finally come to a decision about purchasing a dragon, there are a number of documents you must have on hand. First of all, you must have proof of address. The people at the dragon pound understand the perils of owning a dragon and will not sell one to anyone living in a suburban home, whereby the previous warning about suburban homes applies. Secondly, you must have the most recent bank statement you have or proof of wealth. Owning a dragon is not cheap and the workers at the dragon pound have come to love the fire-breathing reptilian creatures there and want them to go to a good home. Finally, you must present proof of identity, preferably with a detailed family tree going back three generations. There have been a number of evil dragon trainers in the past³, and, if you happen to share more than one eighth blood with any of them, your purchase will be refused.

Once you've finally chosen and purchased your dragon at the pound, you have two options for getting it to your castle. The first, of course, is to take it home yourself. This method is not recommended. It presents the problem of your vehicle potentially being consumed in flames and your untimely death. The safest option is to have the workers at the pound deliver the dragon to your castle. As was said before, they have the best equipment for dealing with dragons and can effectively and safely transport your new pet home.

Once you have your pet dragon at home. you can begin to train it immediately. There are three basic things that all pet dragons must learn. The first thing is to housebreak them. Dragons are creatures of the outdoors; they're not used to living inside. Do not be surprised to find large piles of excrement lying in your castle's hallways for the first few weeks or months. It will happen regardless of how well you train your new pet. You should not let those heaps go unpunished, however. Dragons are fairly intelligent and understand when you punish them for something in the past. If you don't let the dragon know your dis- pleasure, the "accidents" will continue to occur. The best way to punish a dragon is to douse them in cold water. A small spray bottle, like you would use on a cat, is not very effective. A fire hose would be the best option, but since those are hard to come by, an ordinary garden hose with good pressure is the next best option. Not only does this allow you to punish your dragon, but it also allows you to clean your nice stone floors at the same time.

The next thing you will have to train your dragon not to do is breathe fire indoors. Most baby dragons do not spew much more than sparks for the first few months of their lives. It is easier to train them at this stage, because they cannot quite burn all of your thousand-year-old tapestries. The best way to do this is to set up a targeting range of stone outside your castle. The courtyard works well enough, but if it is possible to set up the range outside the castle walls it would be better. The only thing to keep in mind is that the stone used for target practice should not be the same kind of stone found in the castle. Otherwise you will confuse your dragon and there will be fire all throughout the inside of your home. Once again, the garden hose punishment works well for this situation.

The third basic thing you need to train your dragon to do is not run away. Using the fireproof and reinforced chain you got before choosing a dragon, take the dragon on walks around the perimeter of the castle, making sure to hold strongly onto the chain. Whenever the dragon attempts to fly beyond the castle walls without you accompanying them, you should pull them back to you and onto the ground. Needless to say, this has to happen while the dragon is still very young or else it will carry you off with it. Dragons love to fly, and should be allowed to fly freely whenever their master is around, but they should not be allowed to fly beyond the master's line of sight until they have been trained to return without causing damage. This training is particularly essential if the castle you live in is near a small town. If the dragon gets loose in the town without restraint, the whole town could be destroyed and you would be held liable for it.

After these three basic things have been achieved, there are a number of other, more challenging things you can train your dragon to do. Most people who have dragons as pets attempt to specialize their dragons in one thing. The most common of these are Riding Dragons and Hunting Dragons. Riding Dragons are, by far, the most common specialization for a pet dragon. Nothing trumps feeling the air flow through your hair as a massive, powerful beast beats gargantuan wings beneath you as you arrive at the Royal Gala on your perfectly trained dragon. Training a dragon to obey your commands in the air is very difficult. First of all, you must train your dragon in flight commands from the time they are babies. If they begin to get accustomed to the commands early on, they will be able to use the acrobatics later. This is the easiest part of the training. Using simple treats as rewards for the correct maneuver is the best way to do it. As you train your pet dragon to obey commands, you should also begin to get them used to a saddle. A variety of dragon saddles in all sizes should be available at your local pet shop, though you may have to ask to see a manager in order to acquire one. Remember that if your dragon does not get used to wearing a saddle and flying, they will not be able to carry anyone. All of this can be done when the dragon is still a baby, but the real training begins once it is strong enough to carry you.

Once the dragon is old and strong enough to carry you, you can start training it to carry you. This involves a number of steps which will only briefly be mentioned⁵. This training depends completely upon the master training the dragon and a variety of methods have proven fruitful. The first step is to train the dragon to crouch in order to allow you to climb on and off the saddle. Next you must train the dragon to hear your commands from on its back. Hopefully, you will have already trained it to recognize maneuver commands, but if you haven't it's

still not too late, though it may be more difficult. Finally, you need to train your dragon to take off and land softly so as to not ruin everything around it, especially if you intend to take it to important places. You do not want your dragon ruining the Queen's Palace as it lands or takes off, for example.

Hunting dragons are even harder to train than Riding Dragons. Though all dragons eventually must learn to hunt for themselves, training one to specialize in hunting is difficult. The reason behind this is because most dragons are used to hunting and then eating their food immediately rather than killing and taking their kill back home. If you want to train your dragon to bring food home, you will have to take a painstakingly long time to train it and recognize that it will never bring a whole animal home.

No single approach has been proven to be the most effective for training a Hunting Dragon⁶. Most approaches say to begin training the dragon to hunt when it is young, usually by taking it along on hunting trips⁷. The fact that dragons learn by observation is not commonly known. The other side of that coin, however, is that, though they learn, they can also choose to ignore that learning. Training with rewards and punishments seems to be the most effective way of teaching a dragon anything for a long period of time. It has been said that using small game (rabbits, fawns, and the like) while still at home is a good way of training the dragon to hunt well. This seems to be a good approach and may be recommended for those who wish to train a hunting dragon. If you wish to take this approach, remember to not use the meat of the small game you will be training the dragon with as a reward for basic training.

That is how you must obtain and train a pet dragon. Much has been left out in this document due to the fickleness of dragons themselves. Dragons are intelligent and deadly creatures. Their training should not be undertaken lightly. Therefore, the author of this piece takes no responsibility for the failure or lack of effectiveness of the dragon's training. This includes, but is not limited to, death of the trainer by burning, devouring, or being stepped on, property damage of the trainer or anyone associated with him or her, and the burning of the entire countryside.

Endnotes

1. It must be stated here that acquiring a castle is not for the faint-hearted. One must either already be royalty or must finagle his or her way into being royalty in these days to get a castle. Buying one off the market is insanely expensive and practically impossible. But I guess if the reader is attempting to own a dragon, this makes them both insane and impossible, so the concepts match.

2. If not infinitely miniscule. Do you know how few people actually find their dragon like that? I've heard stories of five. FIVE!!! In all of history only five people have found dragons this way. The chances of this happening are practically zero.

3. See A History of Dragon Training by Martellius Frank for more details on who those trainers may be.

4. Their long-term memory is much better than your average canine (or feline, for that matter).

5. For a more complete and detailed account of this tricky topic see A Riding Dragon's Guide for the First-Time Trainer which I am currently developing and should be published in the upcoming century.

6. Bob Cramingioulus, Cynthia "Rambo" Fairwind, Demosthenes E.A. Donovan, and Gustavian Mortlock all present different strategies for training a hunting dragon, but all are in constant contradiction with each other. They are still useful guides for potential training techniques, however.

7. One must remember the tragic story of Prince Revyakvrrk of Iceland who, while attempting to teach his dragon to hunt, became the hunted himself. Rest in peace, dear Prince.